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United Will Stand Tall Again

As much of an insufferable soccer romantic as I am -- I still believe that Pelé and Maradona will hug it out someday, join forces and rid the world of Sepp Blatter -- let's face it: Swansea City will not win the EPL title this season.

Neither will Norwich, Aston Villa, Stoke, Bolton, West Bromwich Albion, Everton or that charming team in Tottenham.

We're living in an era in which you need several million barrels of oil or Sir Alex Ferguson to rule the EPL. Otherwise, the chasm between the league's haves and have-nots has only gotten wider. As always, there will be upsets and injuries, but sadly, it always seems to come down to five teams fighting for the EPL title and the four mega-million-dollar UEFA Champions League spots -- and really, Spurs fans, I'm truly sorry (hand on heart -- or close to it) that your club will not be one of them.

Below that upper crust is utter chaos. Last year's point gap between ninth and 16th place in the final standings was a Gerard Butler-thin six points, while a mere nine points separated a top-half finish from a year in Championship purgatory. As such, trying to divine anything other than the title chase is an act of madness that even Nigel de Jong wouldn't tackle. But, of course, I do below.

So, here are my predictions for the five monied contenders (as well as a Standard & Poor's rating) and title hopefuls in alphabetical order -- because it's the only way I could make Arsenal come out on top.

Arsenal
OK, so the Gunners are going to lose midfielder Cesc Fabregas. Do they still have Samir Nasri? Probably -- but not for much longer. Do they have anyone else? Does a healthy Johan Djourou count? While Arsene Wenger lounges in his ivory tower, listening to Edith Piaf on his iPod and pretending that his two best players aren't leaving, I fear it's not long before "the big four" becomes "the big three plus a stylish but fatally flawed fourth that's always been happy to finish runner-up."

Or even worse, a big four that sees Liverpool catapult over a Cesc-less Arsenal.

Although Arsenal will always claim the EPL's lush moral high ground -- thanks to the pretty, noncynical brand of soccer forever championed at the Emirates -- it can't cover up the six years of trophy drought, the pesky questions about the team's mental fragility (blowing a 4-0 halftime lead to Newcastle) and Wenger's persistence in buying players who won't need a razor for years (17-year-old Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain being the latest teenage prodigy to pitch up in north London) instead of the tough, experienced defenders they so desperately need. It's abundantly clear to everyone but the stubborn Frenchman that something -- a big-name signing, a midfielder unafraid to get stuck in, a player shooting from outside the box -- has to be done to lift the malaise that has settled on my beloved Gunners like a collapsing debt ceiling.

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